Why Am I An Angry Mom?

Ever slam a cabinet and wonder, “Why am I an angry mom?” You’re not alone. Mom rage, that volcanic eruption of exhaustion and overwhelm, is real. Let’s ditch the Pinterest-perfect facade and explore the raw truth of mom rage, navigating its triggers, and finding calm amidst the chaos. Join us as we learn to tame the beast within and discover the grace beyond the messy moments.

Ever slam a cupboard door so hard you swear the hinges cried? Or mutter under your breath about spilled juice with enough heat to boil the mess off the floor? (Because seriously, orange juice and light-colored carpets are a match made in cleaning hell.) If you have, then welcome to the glorious, messy, sometimes terrifying club of mom rage. We’re the women who traded in glitter glue for grit, the ones who navigate tantrums like seasoned pirates through stormy seas. And yes, sometimes, the waves win.

Mom rage isn’t some Pinterest-perfect mommy meltdown. It’s the raw, ugly cry of a woman pushed to the edge, a pressure cooker hissing steam she can’t seem to stop. It’s the volcano erupting after years of simmering resentment, exhaustion, and the relentless demands of tiny tyrants who wear Paw Patrol pajamas and wield sticky sippy cups like scepters.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. Ferociously, earth-shatteringly. But even the most devoted mama bears get hangry, sleep-deprived, and occasionally, just plain pissed off. And that’s okay. Because here’s the secret: mom rage isn’t a character flaw, it’s a battle cry. It’s a sign that something needs to change, a red flag waving in the wind of overwhelm.

So, if you’re reading this with a familiar knot of anger in your gut, chin up, sister. You’re not alone. We’re in this together, stumbling through meltdowns and messy moments, learning to navigate the choppy waters of motherhood with a little less rage and a lot more grace. This article is your map, your compass, your guide to taming the beast within and finding the calm amidst the chaos. Because even supermoms need a little help sometimes. Especially when that help comes with a steaming mug of coffee and a knowing wink.

Let’s talk mom rage. Let’s understand it, tame it, and maybe even laugh at it (because sometimes, you just gotta). Because in the end, we’re all just moms doing our best, one messy moment at a time.

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What is Mom Rage?

It’s not really hard to explain mom rage, but it may be difficult for some people to understand why they’re seeing it when you’re out running errands with the kids.

As moms, we know we get glares when we lose our tempers in public and we’re wishing people on the outside had some glimpse into the last hour (or even the last 3 days) at home that drove us to lose our cool.

Here’s a recent example:

I’m out shopping with my children on our day off, our sole mission was to get my daughter a jacket and a couple last minute items & prescription refills so we’d be ready for our winter trip.

Upon finding her a jacket, I see in my son’s face that he’s feeling left out and wanting one too. Not to be delayed so that I can get us home to pack, I glaze over this potential for a meltdown and to my surprise, find that the crisis was avoided by not giving his attitude attention.

But then my daughter asks to see a shirt on the way out.

“No” I say decidedly. “We need to get home and start packing.”

And then she has the meltdown.

Surprised by her tears and annoyed that my oldest is creating the drama, I remind her that I had just let her open a Christmas gift from us the night before which included a bunch of clothing that she supposedly loved.

“But I like that shirt” she musters between sobs.

And I lose it … “But you just got a shit ton of clothes” I say (maybe I cursed a bit more) as I notice a woman staring at us. I march toward the self checkout with my daughter trailing behind in tears and my son quiet, knowing better than to test the waters himself.

All through the check out process, my daughter’s sobbing and I ask her to help bag items. She complies half-heartedly and struggles to get the jacket in a bag. “Okay, hold the bag open so I can stuff the jacket in there.” And she puts her hands out but doesn’t grab the bag to help.

I snatch our bags, the jacket and the receipt to storm out, this time noticing several eyes on us.

What they didn’t see:

Just hours before, our day completely started off on the wrong foot. The kids had been warned the night before that we had to wake up and get dressed and moving early to get the pets off to boarding, go pick up last minute items for our trip and get home to pack.

When I awoke, I got myself and the pets ready for their ride to boarding to find that my daughter was laying in bed with her phone instead of having gotten ready as she was instructed the night before. When I reminded her, she rolled her eyes and huffed.

Strike one.

She finally arrived downstairs wearing a sweater and shorts. It was a bit cool so I asked her to change into pants and got another huff as she stormed off.

Strike two.

She comes back downstairs and the kids start arguing about only god knows what.

Strike three.

I ask for help to load the car and get more eye rolls.

Fuck it … we’re obviously not playing baseball because we’re out of strikes and we hadn’t even left the house.

I was angry because:

• I provided expectations for the following day that were ignored
• I was met with attitudes when requesting help
• The kids couldn’t get along from the moment they entered the same room
• I needed to get stuff done and I was being slowed down

Why Am I An Angry Mom?

While I think it’s totally legit to have some anger, and even have an episode of “mom rage” every now and then, it’s important to take assess whether or not it’s a regular occurrence or if it’s a healthy display of emotion.

For me, mom rage had become a default over time. Raising strong, hard headed kids and feeling a bit out of balance essentially wore me out and my anger because a natural part of our day.

I’m not saying sometimes it wasn’t warranted, but I am saying I resorted to anger much more than finding other outlets for my emotions. And when faced with a major challenge in my relationship with my son in 2023, I realized some part of his problem was me. How I handled my emotions was having a strong effect on him, and not in a good way.

Although there’s much more to the story and the fault wasn’t solely my own, I can only retell my part of the story. And this year I did a lot of self-reflection that lead me to a few discoveries.

I’ve been an angry mom because:

• I had expectations of my children that didn’t match reality, and I struggled to let go of those ideals.
• I wasn’t taking enough breaks for self-care.
• I’d been working days, nights and weekends for far too long.

For me, being an angry mom, and eventually regular mom rage was the result of taking on too much. The mental load of raising a family and putting in too much time at work didn’t leave much time and energy for myself and my husband. So every little stressor or annoyance simply rolled right into another.

Additionally, as I crept into perimenopause with out-of-whack hormones, my emotions became almost uncontrollable.

And just in time for my pre-teen daughter to seemingly also begin to struggle with her own pre-teen stuff with my son struggling with … well… life in general.

All a recipe for disaster.

Is It Healthy Anger or Mom Rage?

When you’re in the thick of it, it’s certainly hard to distinguish between healthy anger or mom rage. Honestly, it’s the last thing on your mind.

Once you’ve calmed down after an episode, if you realize you had nearly zero control, it was likely mom rage.

Healthy anger, I have come to realize, is less reactionary and comes after genuine triggers.

Mom rage, however, is more reactionary, can feel uncontrollable and is usually followed by shame or guilt. Trivial things usually set mom rage into motion.

Here’s a breakdown of the key differences between mom rage and healthy anger:

Intensity:

• Mom Rage: Intense, explosive, overwhelming anger that feels out of control.
• Healthy Anger: More contained and manageable, allowing for productive communication and problem-solving.

Triggering Factors:

• Mom Rage: Often triggered by seemingly trivial events, often due to underlying stress, exhaustion, and unmet needs.
• Healthy Anger: Triggered by genuine injustice, disrespect, or harmful behavior.

Expression:

• Mom Rage: Destructive outburst with yelling, screaming, or even physical aggression.
• Healthy Anger: Expressed assertively with clear communication, focusing on the issue itself, not personal attacks.

Consequences:

• Mom Rage: Can damage relationships with children, partners, and family. Creates a negative and stressful environment.
• Healthy Anger: Can lead to constructive change and resolution of the underlying issue. Can strengthen relationships through open communication.

Control:

• Mom Rage: Feels uncontrollable and impulsive, like a reaction rather than a response.
• Healthy Anger: Can be managed and directed towards expressing needs and setting boundaries.

Self-awareness:

• Mom Rage: Often followed by shame, guilt, and regret after the outburst.
• Healthy Anger: Used as a tool for self-advocacy and setting boundaries, followed by reflection and problem-solving.

Overall:

• Mom Rage: Unhealthy and potentially damaging expression of anger.
• Healthy Anger: A normal and necessary emotion that can be used constructively.

Remember, it’s okay to feel and express anger even as a parent. The key is to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger and use healthy coping mechanisms to manage it effectively.

Common Anger Triggers

Ever feel like you’re one meltdown away from earning the villain name “Captain Cranky Pants”?

You’re not alone, mama.

Mom rage is as real as spilled sippy cups and untied shoelaces, and it often sneaks up in the most mundane moments. But before you declare war on every spilled cereal flake, let’s identify the hidden ninjas triggering your inner volcano.

• Exhaustion & Stress overload: Sleepless nights, endless to-do lists, and juggling responsibilities can feel like walking a tightrope over a pit of lava. One tiny wobble, and boom, the fiery rage erupts.

• Feeling unheard & undervalued: When your pleas for help, requests for basic needs, or attempts at communication are met with silence or dismissal, it’s like pouring gasoline on a smoldering ember.

• Unmet expectations & broken promises: Whether it’s a spilled juice box after ten “gentle reminders” or a cancelled date night for the third week in a row, unfulfilled expectations can chip away at patience until it crumbles.

• Feeling trapped & controlled: Constantly navigating schedules, routines, and “shoulds” can feel like being stuck in a hamster wheel. It’s natural to want to break free, and sometimes, anger becomes the crowbar.

• Unfairness & disrespect: Witnessing your child being treated unfairly, enduring disrespectful comments, or facing blatant disregard for your boundaries can turn a simmering frustration into a roaring inferno.

• Negative self-talk & blame: When the inner critic takes the microphone and starts playing the “you’re-a-terrible-mom” record on repeat, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and lash out.

• Physical triggers: Hunger, lack of sleep, hormonal fluctuations, even a migraine can lower your tolerance for everyday annoyances, turning minor mishaps into major melt-downs.

• Underlying issues & past experiences: Unresolved personal struggles, past traumas, or childhood experiences can manifest as anger, especially when triggered by similar situations.

Remember, understanding your triggers is the first step to defusing them. Once you know what sets your fire, you can equip yourself with tools and strategies to keep the flames at bay. You’ve got this!

How Can I Stop Being An Angry Mom?

Let’s face it, raising tiny humans ain’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, frustration bubbles over into volcanic “mom rage” – leaving everyone feeling scorched. But before you succumb to the inner fire demon, take a deep breath and reach for these handy tools to keep your cool and reclaim your calm:

1. Self-Care Superhero:

• Fuel your tank: Prioritize sleep, healthy meals, and exercise. A rested, nourished you is a calmer, happier you.
• Find your zen: Meditation, yoga, journaling – discover your stress-busting ritual.
• Delegate & ask for help: You’re not a one-woman show. Share the load and embrace those helping hands.

Speaking of helping hands, I’m a firm believer that children should have chores, and it’s not only for your benefit!

2. Trigger Tamers:

• Identify your hot buttons: What sets you off? Once you know the culprits, you can avoid or prepare for them.
• Pause & breathe: Before reacting, take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away for a moment. Let the heat cool before you respond.
• Reframe the situation: Is this tantrum really worth your anger? Put things in perspective and adjust your expectations.

3. Communication Champions:

• “I” statements: Express your feelings without blaming or attacking. “I feel frustrated when…” opens communication instead of igniting conflict.
• Active listening: Give your child your full attention, listen without judgment, and validate their feelings.
• Positive reinforcement: Catch them being good! Focus on praising desired behavior instead of constantly correcting the bad.

4. Setting Boundaries:

• Say no!: It’s okay to prioritize your needs and refuse unreasonable requests.
• Create clear expectations: Set fair rules and consequences, and be consistent in upholding them.
• Respect yourself & your child: Model good communication and emotional regulation by treating yourself and your child with kindness and respect.

5. Seeking Support:

• Talk to someone you trust: Share your struggles with a supportive partner, friend, or therapist.
• Seek professional help if needed: Don’t hesitate to reach out for therapy or anger management resources if you feel overwhelmed.

6. Unleash Your Humor:

• Embrace the silly: Find joy in the absurd. Did your kiddo just color the cat purple? Turn it into a fashion statement and strut your stuff down the sidewalk!
• Inner giggles: Remember that hilarious meme you saw? Keep a mental stash of funny things to pull out when the frustration meter starts ticking.
• Silly voices & funny faces: Unleash your inner goofball! Make up ridiculous voices for characters, pull over-the-top expressions, and watch the tension melt away in a giggle fit.
• Laughter yoga: Yes, it’s a thing! Look up some silly laughter exercises and get those endorphins flowing (bonus points if you get your kiddos to join in!)
• Family game nights: Laughter is contagious, so gather the troops for board games, charades, or even just telling silly jokes. Remember, the goal is to have fun, not win!
• Funny family traditions: Create your own quirky rituals that bring laughter into your everyday routine. Whether it’s a nightly dance party to a goofy song or wearing mismatched socks on Fridays, silly traditions build happy memories.

Remember, mama, you’re not alone in this. You’re a warrior, not a warrior monk. These tools are here to help you manage your emotions, not eliminate them. Embrace the journey, forgive yourself for occasional stumbles, and celebrate your victories, big and small. You’ve got this!

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