I’ve got a confession to make: sometimes, I’m just plain tired of being a mom and wife. If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Between the constant demands, sleepless nights, and never-ending to-do lists, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and depleted. But guess what? It’s perfectly normal to feel this way, and I’m here to share my experiences and some tips on how to cope.
In This Article
Depleted Mother Syndrome: What Is It?
I have a tendency to be an angry mom, but maybe it’s more that I’m completely depleted!!
Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) is a term that perfectly describes the bone-deep exhaustion many of us feel. It’s the result of giving everything we have to our families, often at the expense of our own well-being. The late nights, the early mornings, the constant care and attention – it all adds up, leaving us feeling like we’ve got nothing left to give.
Symptoms of Depleted Mother Syndrome:
- Constant fatigue
- Irritability
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Lack of joy in daily activities
- Emotional burnout
Is It Normal to Be Tired of Being a Mom and Wife?
Absolutely. Motherhood and marriage come with incredible highs and lows. One minute you’re basking in the glow of your child’s smile, and the next, you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to get through the day. Here’s the thing – no one enjoys every single moment of motherhood or marriage. It’s okay to admit that sometimes, it’s just plain hard.
Sometimes the reasons we feel tired and overwhelmed can be common or even unexpected. Here’s a look at both the usual suspects and the lesser-known culprits that contribute to our exhaustion.
Common Reasons
- Sleep Deprivation
- Newborn Nights: The sleepless nights with newborns can leave us feeling like zombies.
- Ongoing Sleep Disruptions: Kids often wake up at night due to nightmares, illnesses, or needing comfort.
- Never-Ending To-Do Lists
- Household Chores: Laundry, cooking, cleaning, and all the other household responsibilities can be overwhelming.
- Childcare Duties: From school runs to helping with homework, the demands are constant.
- Emotional Labor
- Mental Load: Keeping track of everyone’s schedules, remembering appointments, and planning activities can be exhausting.
- Emotional Support: Providing constant emotional support to our kids and spouses can drain our energy.
- Lack of Personal Time
- Self-Care Sacrifices: Moms often put their needs last, leading to burnout.
- Social Isolation: Limited adult interaction can make us feel lonely and disconnected.
- Relationship Strain
- Neglected Marriages: Focusing so much on the kids can sometimes lead to neglecting our spouses, causing strain in the relationship.
- Communication Issues: Misunderstandings and lack of communication can add to the stress.
Lesser Discussed Reasons
- Hormonal Changes
- Perimenopause: Fluctuating hormones can cause mood swings, fatigue, and even depression.
- Postpartum Hormones: After childbirth, hormonal imbalances can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety.
- Social Media Pressure
- Comparisons: Constantly comparing ourselves to the seemingly perfect lives of others on social media can make us feel inadequate.
- Judgment: Fear of judgment from other moms online can add unnecessary stress.
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Supermom Myth: The pressure to be a perfect mom who does it all can be overwhelming.
- Cultural Norms: Societal expectations about motherhood and wifehood can create additional pressure.
- Health Issues
- Chronic Illness: Managing a chronic illness while caring for a family can be incredibly draining.
- Mental Health: Anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues can significantly affect our energy levels.
- Lack of Support
- Single Parenting: Being a single parent without a support system can be particularly challenging.
- Uninvolved Partners: Even in two-parent households, an uninvolved partner can leave one parent shouldering most of the responsibilities.
- Financial Stress
- Budgeting Woes: Constantly worrying about finances can add a significant mental load.
- Job Stress: Balancing a career with motherhood can lead to burnout.
Hormonal Changes and Their Impact
Perimenopause and Motherhood
Perimenopause, the transition period before menopause, can start as early as the mid-30s and bring about several changes that impact our roles as moms and wives. I can tell you that the start of Perimenopause was a major problem in my own marriage and my kids were suffering as well.
- Mood Swings: Hormonal fluctuations can cause mood swings, making us feel more irritable or anxious.
- Fatigue: Perimenopause often brings about fatigue, making it harder to keep up with daily demands.
- Sleep Disturbances: Hot flashes and night sweats can disrupt sleep, leading to exhaustion.
- Memory Issues: “Brain fog” can make it difficult to remember tasks and manage schedules effectively.
- Decreased Libido: Changes in hormone levels can affect sexual desire, potentially straining the marital relationship.
Understanding these common and uncommon reasons, including the impact of hormonal changes, can help us address our exhaustion more effectively and seek the support we need. Remember, it’s okay to acknowledge these feelings and take steps to care for ourselves.
Who Comes First: Wife or Mother?
This question can spark endless debates, but the truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It’s about finding balance and prioritizing different roles at different times. Personally, I believe your husband should come first (and I’ve seen the benefits of putting mine ahead of my kids firsthand and highly recommend it). Here’s how I try to manage it:
- Communication: Talk to your spouse about your feelings and needs. They can’t read your mind.
- Schedule Couple Time: Regular date nights or even a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day can make a big difference.
- Self-Care: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure you’re taking time for yourself.
How to Cope When You’re Tired of Being a Mom and Wife
Feeling drained or like a failure? Here are some tips that have helped me feel like a good mom:
1. Set Realistic Expectations
- Lower your standards. It’s okay if the house isn’t spotless.
- Focus on what truly matters and let go of the rest.
2. Take Breaks
- Short breaks: A few minutes of quiet can recharge you.
- Longer breaks: Plan regular kid-free time, even if it’s just a few hours.
3. Lean on Your Support Network
- Friends and Family: Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Mom Groups: Sharing experiences with others who understand can be incredibly comforting.
As a bonus, sometimes it helps to read books that help you feel normal. One of my favorite books was Lost in Suburbia for this reason!
- Beckerman, Tracy (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 272 Pages – 04/02/2013 (Publication Date) – Penguin Publishing Group (Publisher)
4. Practice Self-Care
- Physical Health: Exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep.
- Mental Health: Journal, meditate, or seek professional help if needed.
5. Find Joy in the Little Things
- Focus on the small, positive moments each day.
- Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they seem.
6. Practice Gratitude
I’ve learned the value of practicing gratitude in my marriage, but realized that the benefits of the practice of gratitude extend to all aspects of my life! When I’m feeling of being like I hate being a mom and wife, I realize I’ve lost sight of the things I am actually thankful for!
- Daily Gratitude List: Write down three things you’re grateful for every day. This simple practice can shift your mindset and help you focus on the positives.
- Gratitude Jar: Encourage your family to write down things they’re grateful for and place them in a jar. At the end of the week or month, read them together and celebrate the good moments.
- Gratitude Reflection: Take a moment each day to reflect on something positive that happened, no matter how small. It can be as simple as a hug from your child or a quiet cup of coffee.
My Personal Tips for Finding Balance
- Journal Regularly: Writing down my thoughts helps me process my emotions.
- Date Nights: They don’t have to be fancy – even a quiet dinner at home works.
- Exercise: It’s a great stress reliever and mood booster.
- Connect with Friends: Sometimes, a good chat with a friend is all I need to feel recharged.
- Family Fun Days: Doing something fun together can remind me why I love being a mom and wife.
- Do something for you: Do something because you want to not because “you should”.
I’ve discovered over the last few years that my self-care doesn’t look “normal”. For me, I get joy from participating in Rallycross, going outside to love on our chickens, and lifting weights at the gym. What’s important is these things either bring me joy or help me to chill out.
And that’s what I hope for you … that you trade the ideas about what you should be doing for the things that actually make you feel good. When you do this, you refill your reserves and put you on a better path toward reclaiming your joy as a mom and wife.
Remember, It’s Just a Phase
There are stages of motherhood and marriage that are harder than others. Maybe the newborn phase is tough, but things get easier as they grow. Or perhaps teenage years bring new challenges, but also new joys.
Conclusion: It’s Okay to Feel This Way
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always love being a mom or a wife. But that’s okay. By acknowledging our feelings and finding ways to cope, we can navigate the tough times and cherish the good ones. Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way. We’re all just doing our best, and that’s more than enough.
So, here’s to all the moms and wives out there – keep going, keep smiling, and most importantly, keep being kind to yourself. You’re doing an amazing job!
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the demands of being a mom and wife, you’re not alone. Take a moment to assess your needs with my Self-Care Worksheet, designed to help you identify where you need more support and balance in your life. Then, use my Self-Care Planner to create a routine that gives you the space to recharge and reconnect with yourself.
Remember, it’s okay to feel tired and to need time for yourself. Let these tools help you create a self-care plan that honors your needs and brings more peace and joy into your life.
Don’t forget to join us on social media for our 7-Day Self-Care Challenge between 8/18/24 and 8/24/24 and share your experiences with us! We’ll be posting on the site and on social media daily to support your journey.
